Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
