I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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