Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
