I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
