god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
