If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
