She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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