I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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