I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
