If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize