im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
