the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
