never play flip cup with pint glasses
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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