Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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