it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
