dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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