Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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