Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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