I faked an abortion last night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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