Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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