youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
