I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
