Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
