Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Your penis caused this!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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