I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
