I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
