Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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