I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
