this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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