Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
