Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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