theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he fucked my hip out of place.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
