Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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