I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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