yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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