Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
