I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
