im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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