The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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