I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
