At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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