she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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