Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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