I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
