i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
