The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
