oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
