A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
