my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
