the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
