i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize