I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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