Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
