so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
