i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
