I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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