I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
