i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
