Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
