I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize